Big Adventures and Small Steps

We are moving. I know we just moved (across country, I might add), but this time, we are moving and staying.

Currently, we are going through the process of buying a house. A terrifying endeavor with so much math involved that my head wants to explode. Just to add on top, we are also expecting a baby in June of this year, so to build up the timeline a tad - moving in March/April, new baby in June. Sound hectic? Well, I’m not quite done. I’m also graduating from college this year with my bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing. When, you might ask? August. Let’s pull that timeline back out and add this to it - moving March/April, new baby in June, graduation in August.

For some, this might seem easy; I mean, everything is a few months apart. For others, this might stress them out as much as it stresses me out. I have anxiety when it comes to new things, which, for me, means that the most terrifying and nerve-wracking things happening to me are some of the smaller issues on the agenda. (Okay, buying a house is not small, but when you compare it to literally having a baby that you will care for a raise…. it seems a little less grand and expansive) But I’m terrified about the new house and terrified about my graduation. Why? Because I don’t know how to handle either of them.

I’m trying, though, to have confidence in myself, my partner, and the love and care we have for each other. Without that, I don’t know where I would be or what I would be doing, but it probably wouldn’t be writing in Minnesota, with a house that we own and a small lovely family.

Everything is too much

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here, but I’m mostly okay. I moved. And when I say moved, I mean MOVED. Me, my partner, our daughter (5), and our dog (1) moved across the country. The question posed by those in our new city seems to be, why? Why did we move? Was it a job? no. Was it friends? Sorta, but not really. My question is, why does it matter what our reason was? We did it, and mostly in one piece.

Honestly, the move went smoothly. The unpacking has been slow, but everything that has happened since has been too much. We went to Pride for the first time, and it was beautiful. We had a miscarriage and numerous hospital visits, and that was terrible. Life has a way of overfilling and undergiving, and I was prepared to have that be the way. However, it wasn’t.

My best friend came across the country to aid, assist, and love. She’s been here for almost six weeks and leaves for home in a few days. She made something terrible be something connecting and touching. I could never put into words how meaningful and important she is to me and my family. I only hope to be able to offer the care she gave me unashamed and without expectations.

To say that everything is too much is beyond true. But it’s not all bad, and for that I have those around me to thank.

Yarn Thoughts

Some days I need to unwind (pun intended); although books tend to be my go-to for casual fun, I’ve recently picked up a new skill to add to my old one. Or at least I’m trying to? I’ve been knitting for almost two years now, and it is easily one of the best things I could have picked up. I’ve knit toys for my four-year-old and stuffies for pregnant friends, and just this year, I started knitting my first sweater! (this one is for me)

While knitting my rainbow yarn crop top project, I realized that this would be the first thing I’ve ever made for myself—a bittersweet feeling. I love sharing joy with others and creating with the intention to share, but while working my rainbow yarn, I needed a reminder to share that same joy and love of creation with myself.

So I started to crochet. I’m working on a little bumblebee to learn the knots and ties, but also to give myself something now. My knit sweater is going to take time and hard work that I am willing to slowly and carefully put into it. This little fella will remind me that I deserve the same effort and time I put into others.

And I want to remind you, my dear reader, that you are worthy of care and love. You also deserve little trinkets and big moments that show you love and intention. It is easy to find ourselves continuing to give to others, so we should try to make time to give to ourselves.

Anywho, just some yarn thoughts as I sit on my bed working some pink yarn on a crochet hook. With time I hope to see not only my skill grow, but my love

The Big Move

I feel tired. All of the time. I feel like I am hunting for something, and it is dark and silly me I forgot to pack any hunting gear. I feel not really afraid but a mix of fear, anticipation, and a breath held for far too long. I feel tired.

We are moving. In less than two months, we will pack our entire life up into a truck and drive across the country to someplace we have deemed safer. We can’t deem it safe, but safer is available. All of this change, of this newness, is surrounding me, drowning me. It hurts. It hurts like a stomachache or brain freeze. The pain is hidden away, so people can only ask what is wrong but not see the bandages. So people will think everything is fine.

I’m scared. But not for any reason I expected. I’m scared because I’m not scared for the reasons I expected. I thought I’d be sad to say goodbye, but my life has been a series of goodbyes. I thought I’d be worried about a new town, but I long for something new to discover and the small safety that will bring. I’m not scared of leaving friends, leaving family, going far from what I know, and that scares me. To make it worse, I’m also not sad.

I’ve been sad for so long that it is more or less my default most days, but when I imagine packing our life away in that truck, I am happy. When I picture feet upon feet of snow and thick coats dusted with cold, I am happy. The move worries everyone but me.

I find myself transitioning the worry I should have worry about others. It feels easier that way. I can say I’m worried or sad for my kiddo to leave behind her friends and family. I can be upset or distraught for my partner saying goodbye to his friends. And when they ask me, I say I’m fine. I say don’t worry. I’ve moved a lot. I have wanted this for so long, I say. And I have. It’s true.

I’m not sad or scared. I’m like a hollow pot devoid of water but embracing the potential that lies within the emptiness. I feel ready. So I might seem gone on here for a little but don’t worry. I’m fine.

Your Book Recommendations

Hey, hey you. Ya, you lovely person reading this page. Do you have a book you love? Or a book you’ve wanted to have someone review? Comment it below, and help me build my library of books to read and review.

I’ll frequently check this post to gather ideas for the monthly review selections!